Out Spoken Words

It comes as great surprise that I have completely erased my personal journal. In this journal, that is now untraceable, I poured the issues of my soul out to the best of my ability, to find some constellation of who I really am. In this world there are many things that I can do. My creator has given me an ability to do things that I never imagined possible, with the help of others and my imagination, I find my heart. My heart is the seat of my being. Personally, I do believe that all of his human creation has this ability, except some have lost it and need serious devotion to obtain it once again. Since I have lost what was once treasured as a secret place, I now begin a new journey, one that is the out spoken word that I have witnessed in my life from the greatest God in this universe. The other day I called a friend that I had not spoken to in a long time and just began to catch up with someone that I enjoy sharing my faith with. We are both in school and once went to the same church. Other than that I don't find very much in common with this person accept they are very friendly. They show concern and that is exactly what a friend should do. Being friends doesnt actually have to be about commonality but more about concern, at least in my book. Well beside that good stuff, I noticed something very strange on my behalf. I somewhat changed myself, well I only changed the way I spoke, to talk with this person. However, the next day I went to bible study and met a new person that I see as nice and genuine. Now I wonder if this is what I saw. Is this what stands out about this person. Have I used her as a measure of myself? Well the issue that bothered me was that Patinka our group leader had made a statement about pretending as if we were really into the text when a friend was to show up. Lissa's comment to his remark was " I aint fakin for nobody!" I then began to imply this statement on myself and really thought that I was faking. I started to wonder if by going to a majority white church and finding community, if I'm really finding any connection. But then I have to challenge myself and ask if I'm finding connections to self or to the living God. I believe that identifying myself as the only black guy in the room is a handicap that I have made for myself; only causing me to find connection to self and not to the living God. It closes me in and this is among one of many identity issues that I have acquired. Because of these handicaps I lately perceive myself as a hypocrite. But this Identity storm that seems to wash me away at times only stirs fear in my heart leading to the fear of an awesome God. I have come to the conclusion that I'm not a hypocrite as much as I would like to believe that I am. I have not obtained it all but like Paul's great words that minister to my soul I still press forward to the goals ahead learning to set aside all that seem to hinder my soul from meeting its creator.

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