Annotation of Hemingway's White Elephant

The train is late; the waitress just informed him we could expect to be here for at least another half an hour. A long time, considering we were expecting a two minute arrival time. Oh well, just another bump in an already rough ride. I am really becoming flushed and anxious as I sit here sipping my third Anis del Torro. At least I finally got him to stop his incessant talking, especially since he wasn't saying anything. Now maybe I will actually get a chance to think. I must try to weigh the consequences of my decision.

That's right; I finally said it, if only to myself. This is "my decision", it's the first time I have actually take ownership and responsibility for mine and my baby's future. I'm not sure if it is the result of the "liquid courage" or the realization that he is an insensitive, callous jerk; but it's about time. I have been so concerned about his feelings and desires that I have abandoned mine and my child's. All of a sudden my mind starts racing, playing a movie of what my life could be; each of the four possible outcomes to be determined by one decision. I don't even know which one I want to be part of. If I have a real choice, which life should I choose?

If I have the abortion, will he stay? Do I want him to? I know we will never be the same, even though he says we will. How can we? I will have killed our love, our child. How can we live with that?

If I have the abortion and he leaves, then what? Am I ready to be on my own? Am I ready to stay with him, can I forgive him for not understanding, for not caring about my needs? For trying to convince me this is no big deal, "just a little air" and everybody goes through it and emerges just fine?

If I have our baby, will he stay? Do I want him to stay? What kind of life could the three of us truly have when he didn't even want our child? Could we have a shot a true happiness, could we have everything?

If I have our baby and go it alone, could we survive? Do I want to raise our child as a single parent? Would it be fair to have my child grow up without a father?

I hear the train approaching, I place my drink back on the table and I look into his eyes. My white elephant is him.

based on "hills Like White Elephants" by Ernest Hemingway

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