Communicating Sexual Desire

Sex, how to keep it hot

Nothing else is quite like sex. Making love uniquely expresses our most intimate and deepest feelings. It allows us to simultaneously receive and give so much pleasure. What else do a husband and wife share so exclusively? Unfortunately, married couples often disagree about what sex should be -- what is and is not enjoyable. It is then that sex becomes a hindrance to marital happiness like nothing else in their relationship.

Few of us notice sexual incompatibilities at the beginning of a relationship, when we're caught up in the excitement of discovering our partners and showing them what we have to offer. "After a while, you become more discriminating," says Lonnie Barbach, Ph.D., co-author (with David L. Geisinger) of Going the Distance: A Guide to Lifelong Love (Doubleay). "You start to notice little things you don't like or things you would like but are not getting."

Charlene, married six years to Dave, knows exactly what she means. "When Dave and I were first married," she says, "the sex was incredible. Then one day I realized that it wasn't so great anymore. Looking back, I see that I ignored little problems that I shouldn't have. They seemed minor at the time -- I would have liked more foreplay and more cuddling after sex, those kinds of things. Now we seem so distant. I don't even look forward to making love anymore."

Liz paints a different picture: "Don and I have been married nearly 18 years, and our sex life is terrific! I remember thinking on our honeymoon that sex couldn't get any better. Little did I know."

Discuss Needs

Liz possesses no special magic. She is not necessarily more compatible with her husband than Charlene is with hers. What is it, then, that makes Liz and Don's sexual relationship flourish while Charlene and Dave's withers?

"Communicating your sexual desires is the key to keeping sex exciting and pleasurable," answers Dr. Barbach. "It is impossible to know what your partner likes or to please him sexually unless you talk to him about it." Studies show that couples who openly discuss their sexual likes and dislikes not only experience better sex, they are happier about their overall relationship. Furthermore, sexually communicative couples report fewer instances of separation and infidelity than inhibited couples.

"A relationship can be only as good as the sex," adds Mirian Stoppard, M.D., author of The Magic of Sex (Dorling Kindersley), "I can't put enough emphasis on the importance of communicating your sexual needs to your partner."

Developing a sexually communicative relationship isn't always easy. "All sorts of problems get in the way," says Dr. Barbach. "Our culture inhibits talking about sex. In many families it was hush, hush - something embarrassing and private. It's not something we have a lot of experience or comfort talking about."

Dr. Stoppard agrees: "Oh, it's easy to say, 'You must talk about sex with your husband' -- it's a lot harder to do it."

Movies, television, even advertisements tell men that they should be in control, that real men know instinctively how to please a woman. Boys become men watching people like Mel Gibson and Michael Douglas effortlessly sweep women off their feet. Typical home life doesn't help: Dad takes charge of family vacations and household maintenance; that confidence extends into the bedroom, or so young men assume.

Women also have unralistic expectations of men's ability to please them sexually. For many women, talking about what men should already know spoils the romance. And yet, once women admit imperfection in their and their husband's sexual prowess, they typically have an easier time opening up; most men cling stubbornly to their macho-man ideals.

Distinctive conversational styles of men and women also inhibit understanding. Most sociologists agree that men have a tendency to shift conversations away from uncomfortable topics, while women are more apt to go along with the issues men raise. Women often must work at maintaining conversatioins important to them.

Despite the difficulties, "Start taling about sex before you're married," advises Dr. Stoppard. "Certainly, learning how to express specific sexual desires and problems should be a top concern for newlywed couples. The longer you wait, the harder that mountain will be to climb." She suggests incorporating a "Sexual Bill of Rights" into your marriage contract: "Husband and wife should agree that open sexual communication is important and will be practiced; that they will never laugh at each other's desires or hang-ups; that they will always forgive each other in all sexual matters; and that neither will be forced to do anything they don't want to do."

Special Touches

While successful communication styles vary, couples learning to express themselves sexually could avoid months of trial and error by knowing what has worked for others.

Mike and Elana, for example, create an intimate atmosphere before entering into a sexual dialogue. "Mike and I found that we are more receptive to each other's ideas when we're feeling especially close," says Elana. "A candlelit dinner and a bottle of wine usually work for us."

Most experts recommend having in-depth sexual discussions away from the bedroom. "If you talk about what you want right before sex," explains Dr. Barbach, "you create pressure and expectation, which can make the lovemaking awkward. Telling your partner how it could have been better right after making love might appear critical and hurt his feelings."

If the thought of a face-to-face conversation about your deepest desires turns your blood to ice water, try slipping a sexually explicit note into his briefcase or next to his dinner plate. Or see how the words feel in your mouth by recording your message on cassette and leaving it in his car. Then

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