Getting Past No

In the book Getting Past No by William Ury, the author sets out a five-step plan for negotiating with someone who is uncooperative, difficult and challenging. Everyone has had to face tough negotiations with an irritable spouse, an ornery boss, a rigid salesperson or an angry customer. Under stress, even the most kind and reasonable people turn into incensed and cantankerous opponents.

This book introduces the reader to the strategy of breakthrough negotiation, which is designed to reach a mutually beneficial agreement in an efficient and like-minded fashion. The breakthrough strategy goes against the idea of imposing your position on the other side. It actually requires you to do the opposite of what you might naturally do in a difficult situation. Essentially, the essence of the breakthrough strategy is in its indirect action. Rather than trying to break down an opponent's resistance, you try to make it easier for them to break through it on their own. In summary, breakthrough negotiation has various stages, and each stage needs to be handled with a unique approach. Ury describes the importance of being a breakthrough negotiator as, "Your single greatest opportunity to change the game. Instead of playing their way, let them have your way." Breakthrough negotiators treat their opponents as negotiating partners who are presenting an opportunity to reach a mutually satisfactory agreement.

Ury says that, "Most negotiations are won or lost even before the talking begins, depending on the quality of the preparation." He lists five important points to mapping out a way to a mutually satisfactory agreement. They are: interests, options to satisfy those interests, standards to fairly resolve differences, alternatives to negotiation and proposals for reaching an agreement.

Steps to Take Before Every Negotiation

1. Interests - Understand that joint problem solving revolves around the interests of each side's positions. In order to successfully negotiate, it's important to figure out your interests as well as theirs. Seeing what is important from the other side's perspective can help you influence them successfully.

2. Options - It's important to be open to various options during negotiations. Keep in mind that by considering options that may not seem palatable at first, it may be possible to satisfy both your interests as well as the other side's.

3. Standards - In order to keep from getting into a "contest of wills", a good negotiator will look for a solution that is both fair and mutually satisfactory. Ury says, "An independent standard is a measuring stick that allows you to decide what a fair solution is."

4. Alternatives - The purpose of negotiation is to determine if your interests can be better satisfied through agreement than by pursuing your Best Alternative to a Negotiated Agreement (BATNA). Simply put, the BATNA is the best course of action to satisfy your interests without the other side's agreement. The important steps in determining your BATNA are to identify your BATNA, boost your BATNA, decide if you should negotiate and identify their BATNA.

5. Proposals - By following the first four steps, you can put yourself in a position to formulate a solid proposal. Ury suggests that you have three proposals in mind. What do you aspire to? What would you be content with? What could you live with?

Finally, Ury suggest that you rehearse and prepare by working on your proposal with a friend or colleague. This will allow you to see what works for you, anticipate how the other side will respond and determine the best way to respond.

Five Breakthrough Strategies

1. Go to the Balcony (Don't React) - The first step in dealing with a difficult person is to try not to control their behavior but control your own instead. When you react without thinking, you usually neglect your interests. "Going to the balcony" means distancing yourself from your natural impulses and emotions. From the balcony, you can calmly evaluate the conflict, think constructively for both sides, and look for a mutually satisfactory way to resolve the problem. On the balcony, the first thing to do is figure out your interests. Take a moment to recognize the tactics your opponent is using, and recognize your own feelings and "hot button" issues. It's then important for you to identify your BATNA. The agreement you reach must satisfy your interests better than your BATNA could. Use your BATNA as your measuring stick for evaluating any potential agreement. Often you do not even realize that you are reacting because you are too enmeshed in the situation. Therefore, it's important to recognize this tactic. Make note whenever you detect a possible trick or subtle attack. By naming their game, you are able to neutralize it more easily. Once you have named their game and stopped your immediate reaction, the next step is to buy time to think (time to go to the balcony). Use this time to keep your eyes on the prize (an agreement that satisfies your interests better than your BATNA can). Instead of getting mad or getting even, concentrate on getting what you want. This is the personification of what going to the balcony is all about.

2. Step to Their Side (Don't Argue) - Before you can discuss the problem

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