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A Thrilling Ride Personal Essay

Essay by   •  June 10, 2019  •  Essay  •  1,440 Words (6 Pages)  •  52 Views

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Your Personal Essay

1. Rewrite the sentences that follow to make them livelier and more effective. Consider strategies like shifting phrases and clauses, eliminating needless repetition and clichés, and making any other changes necessary to avoid awkward, ineffective constructions. (9 marks)

a. Anna felt grateful and thankful to have a chance of taking advantage of the opportunity of getting a good education.

Anna felt grateful and thankful to have an opportunity of getting a good education.

b. Grace had seldom played the cello as well as she did that evening.

Grace seldom played the cello as well as she had that evening

c. Due to the fact that I was late, I decided I ought to make a phone call, which I did.

Since I was late, I decided to call and let them know

d. At this point in time the answer is categorically and unequivocally no.

At this point, the answer is, unequivocally a no

e. From out of the blue the fire chief produced tangible proof that the terrible tragedy was caused by the work of a crazed pyromaniac.

Out of the blue, the fire chief announced tangible proof that the terrible tragedy was the work of a crazed pyromaniac.

f. There were three people who came to the party.

Three people came to the party

g. Old Mr. Tymchuk was laid to rest on Friday, three days after he went to his final reward.

Mr. Tymchuk was laid to rest on Friday, three days after his final

h. I want you to try and count the amount of pencils in the classroom being that there may not be enough, and we'll run short.

I want you to try and count the pencils in the classroom as we may not have enough for everyone.

  1. The hot-air balloon floated up through the clouds.

The hot-air balloon floated up and through the clouds

2. Having worked through the section "Your Personal Essay", you've written, revised, edited, and proofread your personal essay. Your job now is to write out a clean, finished copy and submit it for grading. (10 marks)

You can rewrite your personal essay in the space provided, or you can use a computer. If you use your own paper, attach the copy, clearly and fully labelled to this Assignment Booklet.

Your essay will be graded according to the assessment criteria that follow. Note that this marking guide is a modification of one introduced in an earlier assignment. It assigns a possible mark of 5 in each of two categories—Ideas and Impressions, and Presentation—for a possible total of 10 marks. 

              A Thrilling Ride

I have always been intrigued and fascinated by amusement park rides. It crazy to think regular everyday people eagerly jump on rides that throw them hundreds of feet in the air or hundreds of miles down a track. It astonishes me that at some time in history someone thought that people would enjoy this, and that person invented what must have been the first of these frightening machines. For me, it is exactly the thrill and exhilaration of having survived the ride that keeps me coming back for more.

My first time on one of these park rides was back in 2012 at K-Days. I was twelve years and decided to for the first time try out the huge Ferris wheel I always saw as I was drove by. Me this small kid looking at this looming monstrosity of a ride spinning and spinning as I looked up in awe. It was huge, noisy and a little intimidating to look at. Ever since that day that Ferris wheel has become fossilized in my imagination. Even the whining sound of its engine reminds me the roar of a dinosaur from the Jurassic World movies. This was only the start, after that my fascination only increased as I went on more and more of these rides.

As time went on, I went on more and more rides crazier, faster, higher anything you can thing of that make it scarier and funnier. Even some of the Ferris wheels got better over time. Every ride on these eccentric creatures gave me an instant flash of adrenaline. As these circles of death started up a lump in my throat pulsed like a dislocated heart ready to pop out my chest. As the ride gained speed, the resistance to gravity built up against my body until I was powerless to move and then as if the world stopped a pause as the wheel reached the top of its climb allowing my body to relax. Then came the stomach-churning lightness as the machine continued its rotation and I descended back toward the earth. A cymbal-like crash vibrated through the air as the wheel reached bottom, and much to my surprise I began to rise again only to go through the same thing again.

Every rotation gave me more assurance in the machine. Every climb left me thrilled that I had survived the previous descent. When another nerve-wracking climb failed to follow the last exhilarating descent and the ride was over, I knew I was hooked. Physically and emotionally drained, I followed my friends down the ringing steel steps to reach the exit. I had survived another day, but only to have the chance to ride it again.

My fascination with these fantastic flights is deeply engrained in my soul. A trip on the wonderful Ferris wheel never fails to thrill me. With every year I am becoming older and have older and has less time to go to these parks and ride my favourite ride. The trill of the Ferris wheel will always have a soft place in my heart, and I will never get bored with the trill it provides.

Focus

Ideas and Impressions

Presentation

Excellent

5

Perceptions and/or ideas expressed are insightful, carefully considered, and confident. Details are apt and thoughtfully selected.

The writer's voice is engaging, and the tone is effective. Stylistic choices are precise and effective. The unifying effect and development are skilfully sustained and fluent. There is a relevant absence of error in matters of correctness.

Proficient

4

Perceptions and/or ideas expressed are thoughtful or considered. Details are relevant and purposeful.

The writer's voice is distinct, and the tone is well considered. Stylistic choices are specific. The unifying effect and development are coherently sustained and generally fluent. There are only minor errors in matters of correctness.

Satisfactory

3

Perceptions and/or ideas expressed are appropriate. Details are straightforward and generally focused.

The writer's voice is matter of fact and the tone is appropriate. Stylistic choices are adequate. The unifying effect and development are clear, conventional, and maintained generally, but coherence may falter. Though there are some lapses in matters of correctness, communication remains clear.

Limited

2

Perceptions and/or ideas expressed are incomplete, superficial, or unaware. Details are inappropriate and/or repetitive.

The writer's voice is ineffective, and the tone is inappropriate. Stylistic choices are inappropriate and/or imprecise. The unifying effect and development are unclear and/or ineffective, and coherence falters. The control in matters of correctness is faulty, blurring the clarity of communication.

Poor

1

Attempts to express perceptions and/or ideas are only marginally relevant, are confused, or are underdeveloped. Details are lacking and/or random.

The writer's voice is confused and there is no discernible attempt to address the intended audience. Stylistic choices impede communication. The unifying effect and development are absent, irrelevant, frequently unclear, and/or not fluent. There is a lack of control in matters of correctness. Jarring errors impair communication.

3. a. Earlier, you were asked to assess one of your own responses according to a rubric—or marking guide—much like the one used for your personal essay here. Your job now is to do the same thing once again. (2 marks)

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